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Axis of Evil Wannabees

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,

China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as

Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North

Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,

for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil .... in

their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows

we're the best evils . .. best at being evil . . . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although

they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told

us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have

more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This

is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and

Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake.

Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as

within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed

to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat

Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of

Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established

the"Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,

Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of

Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the

Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually

Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while

Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want

Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we

like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun

of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected

the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay",

accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from

Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately

world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[Gjest QuePasta]

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[Altman]

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