Still struggeling. Enough is enough!!!

[BrightHope]

Just feel to write in english. Sometimes words, norwegians words, is not enough to explain, understand.... My english is far from perfect.

I don`t know my identity. Feels like i`m in a black, deep hole.

My marriage is almost finish. There are no love.

I feel so alone, bored.... Sad... I`m stuck in this hole.

I`ve tried different medications, venlafaxina, paroxetin, and now i`m on Prozac........

I have lost my interests, I isolate myself, home alone. My children are living with their father and grandparents. Because.... I have almost nothing to give them, just hugs, kisses, telling them how much I love them... My energy is flat, everything I do seems so difficult.

Bloodtests are fine. But I have problems breathing sometimes. And a heavy pressure on my chest and stomack. It`s the anxiety... I have almost fainted everyday, but okay...I can deal with that.

My psiquiatrist is good, he have helped me with a lot of things from the past. But now I have to change to someone else, because i`m very attracted to him... He is nice looking, and he is deep. I like deep people, they stimulates me in a positive way. But this man... wow... He is my type. When there are no matrmonial love or intimacy..... Well.... It`s easy to fall for someone else...

The last 6 months I have cutted my wrestled many times, or taking to much medication. I have started to drink too... Not everday, but many days... I have been twise in the hospital, were they`ve put a tube trough my nose, and sucked out everything. I feel so humiliated, ashamed... Sad....

After all these years with pain, suddenly I "exploded", doing things that just harmed me more and more.... I am an adult person. I don`t wanna die, I just wanna rest,LIVE, find myself, be healthy....But it seems like it wasnt me doing this crazy things, so impulsive....

I have no idea what to do now. I wish I could cry and scream, emtying myself, but I can`t. I want to, but it`s almost impossible to cry. THAT is painful too.